Before I talk about my second relationship guideline I am going to restate that I am not a relationship counselor and my track record of widowed, divorced and multiple other relationships of various lengths does not put me in the expert category either. All I can do is share the few things that I have learned.
It is not about them, it is about you – why are you reacting instead of responding? This one takes a lot of study and practice. However, the benefits are being able to develop a pretty good relationship with someone else. Realizing that it is about you and your reaction eliminates the he said, or he did this or that. So what! Why are you reacting?
There are two parts to this guideline and this blog is about the first part which is in all relationships there is one constant – you. Unless you are a teenager and this is your first relationship, the only constant in every relationship we have ever had is ourselves. That was the only constant I could find when I took an honest look at my relationships, that constant was me. I then developed the intent of learning what not to do in the future to have a good relationship with someone.
I am going to refer back to my first guideline for a second and say that if the person with BP is not doing anything about their illness this second guideline is meaningless. In our illness we cannot admit we were wrong, take personal responsibility for anything, especially our words and actions, or see that we had any part to play in the problems of our relationships. This became my own way of telling if I was falling back into my illness or one of the myriad of addictions I dragged into my journey towards mental wellness. It is a sure sign something is wrong with me if I am blind to my part in a problem or I am dodging responsibility.
This second guideline is best worked by both people in a relationship. If both people can learn to look inwards at their own false beliefs and personality traits that get in the way of accepting the other person just as they are and loving then anyway that is a good start. If both people start admitting when they were wrong, taking personal responsibility for their personal issues, especially their words and actions. If both people look hard to see their own part in the problems of their relationships, this I have found is a good foundation.
We will discuss reacting instead of responding in the next installment.
Keep to the path, the hard one. The easy one does not go anywhere.
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