Where We Learn To Connect With Our Authentic Selves.

What are your motives at Christmas



It’s the Christmas season and my inbox is full of tips and tricks on what to do and not to do for our BP during this time a year. My own experience with this season pretty much encapsulates the complete range of these ideas. We can either be depressed, not care – go with the flow, or manic as hell. I have done them all. This particular season seems to lean towards the go with the flow, but having a really bad cold has not helped in revving my engines towards Christmas glee.

Personally, I want to talk about motives. Why we do what we do. I have spent a fortune on Christmas’ past trying to by everyone’s love, or at least someone’s love. Wallace Wattles wrote “that man’s greatest expression of love is in giving.” The unsaid part is that there should be no expectation of love in return with the giving.  I never learned that until recently, I always gave to get. If I gave you something I expected appreciation, if not adoration, in return. I expected to get something for my giving, be it sex or whatever. Where that fits in with our illness I do not know except maybe the selfishness that our illness creates within us. This way of thinking, give to get, is something that is very predominant in my circle of BP sufferers that I use as a sounding board. It may even be the predominate way of thinking in society in general I do not know.

What I have done in my own life by recognizing this motive is to remove that expectation of getting something in return for what I give. This has not been easy and I had to start with something small at first, I chose the Salvation Army Kettles. I was always way too selfish to give money to the bell ringers, there was no reward for me in giving something that I didn’t even get a tax break on. The past few years I have not passed a kettle that I have not deposited something into. In taking that baby step I have been able to expand giving without any expectation of return to other areas of my life. The last to fall of course was in the intimate relation category, family and close friends and last Christmas was a success because I was able give fully without expectation of return. This Christmas will be more so as I have had a year of birthdays and other occasions to practice on.

The more I find the motives for why I do what I do and check them against reality, the more I find I need to change my motives.

Keep to the path, the hard one. The easy one does not go anywhere.

1 Comment

  1. Greg Hamacher

    I am not a person who suffers from BP but I too find great wealth in this advise! I believe most people do not understand the concept of giving and never benefit from the inner rewards it can create and the joy it builds when we do receive. I give freely when I give not expecting anything in return, even if I am asked to lend money, I give not expecting it back and I only give what I can afford to give, if I am asked for to much I simply say no. This has saved friendships and anger towards family and friends, no burdens of resentment to way my spirit down and also taught me it is ok to say no an ability I struggled with most of my life wanting everyone to like me and afraid they would not if I said no, I was the people pleaser.
    Yes living without expectation has been freeing in many ways and shown me the true gift of giving freely, a gift for myself in every gift I give and if I give a gift to someone and it comes back then it takes the place of a blessing in my life!

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